Desire.

• What if you are allowed to re-route your journey as little or as often as you like?
• What if every re-route that you make will eventually bring you to the destination, whether you know it or not?
• What if the destination that you had in mind, isn’t exactly how it looks on the outside, once manifested?
• What if you’re such a powerful manifestor, able to manifest anything, and everything your heart desires?
• What if your desires have been guiding you, signalling you, to re-route your journey all along?
• What if all the dissatisfaction, frustration, and longings that have been nudging you all these while, are a disguise in the subtlest form of the most Intimate Desire?

Ahhh.

Desire.

The word that’s been coming to visit me, now and again, for the last 2 years.

Sometimes it came in the form of wondrous goal-setting and delicious daydreaming. Other times it came like a wrecking ball with absolutely no warning, completely unbothered to mask itself, truly fired up by rage, frustration, and often.. Burnout.

The latter has been true in my case. I’d get a classic ‘flip the table’ feeling after a long stretch of launches after launches, laced with a rich cobwebs of family needs and 3 kids.

But there’s one time when that wasn’t the case.

Desire came to me in the form of my daughter. A surprise baby girl after having 2 boys and declaring that I’m done with this baby business.

When we found out that I was pregnant again, our second son was around 18 months young, a gleeful age in my book of parenting. I’ve stopped breastfeeding, my physical body was recovering from the traumatic caesarean I had with him, I started running again (and therefore feeling like I’ve got my life back).. Things were going in the right direction.

Or so I thought.

And then I got pregnant, and things got messy quickly.

• I knew my career was going to take (yet) another pause.
• We already have 2 boys, and before we found out the gender, I swore I didn’t think I could handle another boy.
• Growing up, I didn’t have the best relationship with my mother, so I feared  that it was going to be the same case as my daughter once we found out the gender.
• The traumatic birth from my second child was still raw in my mind.
• I loved my job. Or I thought I did. (we’ll get to that later)

I spent the first 33 weeks of the pregnancy completely resisting the fact that my life is going to change again. It was exhausting, up to a point that I decided to surrender and stopped fighting.

What if this pregnancy was meant for me, instead of a ‘test’?

What unfolded next was an unmedicated spontaneous vaginal birth that happened too easily, despite my complicated medical history of 2 previous caesarean surgeries.

• Followed by a deep, longing desire of releasing free from the business that I’ve poured my heart and soul into.

• While healing my relationship with motherhood and parenting that is undeniably complex, entangled, and full of unrealistic expectations.

• Loving and discovering my own power that has been there all along, waiting to be accepted in its full form.

• Fiercely embracing the magical, wondrous, intense life of working together with my husband and 3 small kids.. 

All these, while also building a legacy of my own version of events.

Would I have thought that these Intimate Desires would arise from the resentment that was a surprise pregnancy?

Never.

But more importantly.. I wouldn’t have discovered them had I not surrendered myself to the Emergence that was happening in me.

So here’s a question for you to sit and play with.

What if all the dissatisfaction, frustration, and longings that have been nudging you all these while, are a disguise in the subtlest form of the most Intimate Desire?